BY HOPE SWEEDEN – STAFF EDITOR
Every day now seems to move in slow motion, but the weeks have still passed so suddenly. When I look at the people I care about, I’m struck by the fact that I have one more weekend.
One more movie night. One more spastic Papa John’s order at 1:59 a.m. One more chance to find closure—to really let the drowning feeling set in so we can all make it when we have to get up on our own.
I don’t know if I’ll be someone who finds this closure, though. I don’t know if I can leave here feeling as though I’ve done everything I set out to do, spent time with everyone I love and prepared myself for what comes next.
Graduating in three years instead of four always seemed like an obvious choice.
But now that I’m here, now that I’m leaving everyone I’ve grown to love behind, how can I keep myself from looking back and wondering whether I made the right decision?
I haven’t figured out how to say goodbye to the people who took me in and let me be their third roommate for an entire year, the people who stayed up until 3 a.m. or 4 a.m. playing pool in the Reed Hall common room and the people who would eat lunch with me every day so that none of us felt uncomfortable eating alone.
I haven’t said goodbye to you all because I don’t know how to. I haven’t learned how to look back without feeling so overwhelmingly sad—without feeling like I’m entitled to one more year with all of you.
But the truth is, this is what I want. I want to be able to look back and feel a little sad. I want to think of all of you without feeling like I’ve found closure and without feeling like this part of my life is over.
Maybe it’s naive, and maybe it’s wishful thinking, but maybe the sadness I feel from the thought of leaving you behind will be enough to help me hold on to each of you.
Maybe leaving you all early with the promise of being able to return will help us find our own kind of closure—a closure that helps us realize that we don’t need to leave each other behind. We don’t need to grow apart just because we’re parting.
I’ve struggled the past few weeks, and even while writing this, to figure out how I could say goodbye—how I could make my senior editorial everything it needs to be to help me feel like I can leave Susquehanna a year early still satisfied with my decision.
I guess, by trying to say goodbye, I’ve realized that I don’t want to say goodbye. So I won’t. Instead, as cliche as it sounds, I’ll simply say, “See you later.”